My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
