This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
