What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
