if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
