Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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