I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It's no shave November. This is our time.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
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