Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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