Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's official drugs can't kill me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
