that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Randomize
