i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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