I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
