I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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