i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
