dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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