No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Randomize
