gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
