I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
