I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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