her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
