Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Randomize
