mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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