you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
