he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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