I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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