No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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