if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
