OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
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