I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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