i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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