My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
