hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
