Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
