she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
