I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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