I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
