Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
