Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
