1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
