Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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