the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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