They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
