this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
