i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
