so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
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I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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