there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
