just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
