wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
