it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
