there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Every concussion has its silver lining
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
