You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
