Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
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Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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