Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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