Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
