My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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