Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
